Keg:
noun
- a small cask or barrel, usually holding from 5 to 10 gallons (19 to 38 liters).
- a unit of weight, equal to 100 pounds (45 kilograms), used for nails.
- Also, kegger. a keg party; beer bust.
The majority of us are very familiar with kegs. We’ve bought, drank from and gotten hernias resulting from moving them. They contain some of our favorite beverages and, more often than not, contain those evil macro lagers that are so trendy to hate. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes and nicknames.
However, we’re not here to celebrate the keg because, let’s face it, kegs know they’re the shit, and you’re probably the shit (you are reading BnL, after all) so what kind of keg are you? Do you fit the description a sixtel, or are you more of a pony? Maybe a corny? Beer n’ Loathing is finely in tune with what is truly essential information out there in the beer world and have your backs as usual. Crack a brew and read.
Cornelius Keg
Nicknames: “Homebrew keg” “Corny” “Soda Keg”
Common Uses: Home Brewing, Wine, Coffee, Kombucha
Dimensions: 23″ x 9″
Personality: You’re industrious, self-reliant and multi-faceted. Did a challenge just pop up? Fuck that shit, you got this. Whatever tools are at your disposal become weapons of a MacGyver-esque level and you drive that problem to the hoop MJ style – soaring through the air with your tongue hanging out like a dog in 90 degree weather – and slam dunk the shit out of it.
You’re also not afraid to get creative and repurpose yourself. You know you got the skills to pay mad bills, so why the fuck sit back and be a one trick pony? Why not run mad game and be ALL the tricks for ALL the ponies. Make that cheddah, get dem greenz, hustle up those benjis, baby. You make people’s jaw drop with the amount of flaming cash sprouting out of your pockets. Make it rain fire-money homie.
Needless to say, you get tons of ass. Like, so much ass there’s none left for anyone else.
Sixth Barrel
Nicknames: “Sixtel” “Torpedo” “Log”
Common Uses: Dual-Tap Kegerators, Home Brewing, Individual Use
Dimensions: 23⅜” x 9¼”
Personality: You’re the middle child. No one notices you, everyone around you gets the credit and it always seems like you’re being looked over when it’s Christmas card time. On the plus side, you’ve grown to love the anonymity. You can slink around without people noticing you, therefore allowing you to play out your master plan uninterrupted. Most people need to skulk around under the cloak of darkness to achieve their dark goals, but not you! You can make your enemies and competition disappear as you see fit all without the worry of consequence.
Politicians, draft dodgers and puppy kickers all seek your counsel in order to further their agendas, but fuck them. You know better than to share your power. Soon enough, they’ll all bow to you. Oh how they’ll bow.
Yes, basically you’re a super villain, but the cool complex kind like Magneto.
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Quarter Barrel
Nicknames: “Pony” “Stubby Quarter”
Common Uses: Small Parties
Dimensions: 16⅛” x 13⅞”
Personality: You have so much to offer the world, but you always seem to find yourself on the backburner with people. You’re typically chosen last, after all the other good options have been exhausted. You typically write it off as people not valuing “quality” over “quantity” and move on.
You understand your advantage, though. Once these assholes realize they bit off more than they could chew, they’ll eventually come crawling back to you like Jerry Maguire did to skinny Bridget Jones. But this time around, skinny Bridget Jones won’t be all like, “You had me at hello,” you say. It’ll be more like “You had me at AWW HELL NO,” and kick them square in the metaphorical or physical nutsack for ignoring you in the first place.
To summarize, you’re Renee Zellweger. A feisty Renee Zellweger.
Slim Quarter
Nicknames: “Tall Quarter” “The Slim”
Common Uses: Dual-Tap Kegerators; Small Parties
Dimensions: 11⅛” x 23⅜”
Personality: You’re a dreamer, an idealist, an optimist or whatever other inspiring words people use. Most likely artistic and insightful, you see the world as it should be and can help people look deeply within themselves to identify what their being truly means and how to unlock their ultimate potential. Shit, man, you might even be a life coach.
So you’re a ray of positivity and bright energy, and this makes the people around you vomit straight into their mouth. Sometimes they won’t even hide it in the mouth and throw up on their own, or your, feet. I mean, we fucking get it. The world “ain’t so bad” and we can find “beauty” in everything, but come on. When we get audited by the IRS, the dog dies, the gardener “accidentally” kills all the trees in the yard and Grandma announces she’s a Nazi sympathizer all in a single weekend, we’re not trying to find the silver lining. We just want to curl up and hate the world for a few days.
But for the record, we’d still totally hang out despite all the sunshine and rainbows shooting out your ass.
Half Barrel
Nicknames: “Full Size Keg” “Barrel of Beer” “Full Keg”
Common Uses: Home Bar, Large Events, Business, Ski Team Parties
Dimensions: 16⅛” x 23⅜”
Personality: you’re the big (wo)man on campus. The Fonz. El Padrino. The All-Star. Other names of Smashmouth songs, but nonetheless, you’re the fucking goddamn shit. People want you, people want to be you. You’re the hit of the party, the focal point of any event you attend. Even you bask in your own glory.
However, there is a dark side to your popularity. People will keep you for months at a time, savoring all the greatness you exude, until you feel drained and empty inside. Then, when they finally do drop you back off, you get left at the wrong place. Other times, they’ll hold onto you for years at a time, locked in a garage or basement without any acknowledgement until one day they hand you off to a total stranger for 30 or 40 bucks. Turns out this creep is a sadistic-as-fuck homebrewer who cuts you open and repurposes your corpse to be part of their homebrew system, or worse yet, just to be a garbage can because you’re all dinged up from years in the garage.
So yeah, enjoy the good times while they last.
Conclusion
There you have it! A handy-dandy guide to figure out what kind of keg you are. I hope this useless fucking guide made your day or at least made you get drunk for the pure stupidity of it all!
