A tale as old as time: you go out to have a drink or two, meet a few people and hop around to a few hip watering holes. Suddenly, time leaps forward and you find yourself face down on the bathroom floor at 8am the next day. You have a hangover, or at least know one is coming. Sometimes the dread of knowing is the worst part. But, you’re an adult, and therefore, should be able to handle that hangover like one. Here’s an eight step guide on how to do it BnL style aka right.
Step one: Cry. Really fucking hard.
It’s best to just pull that band-aid off and get it out of the way as soon as possible. This will be sure to clear out any remaining toxins from your body via your tears. Try not to get any of them in your mouth because then you’re just creating a cycle of toxins entering and leaving your body.
Step two: Ignore water. It’s poison.
Water was in the drinks you had last night and we all know how that went. Drink milk or heavy cream if you have it. Or, if you’re a real trooper, crack open another beer or take another tequila shot.
Step three: Throw Gatorade in someone else’s face.
Their pain will make you feel better on an existential level. Plus Gatorade is fucking gross and 90% chemicals.
Step four: Take some ibuprofen and throw it up immediately.
Despite seeming like a total waste, this will clear out space for step five.
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It’s proven that grease coats your insides and makes you feel less pain in general. Pain is like a grabby old woman trying to squeeze your nerve endings. You coat them shits in grease and that old bitch can’t get a grip on you to squeeze.
Step six: Run leftover grease from the food all over your body.
What’s good for the insides must be good for the outsides, right? Right.
Step seven: Summon some demons.
Especially useful if you’re still hugging the toilet. It already sounds like demons are coming out of you, why not get an exorcist and just draw them sumbitches out?
Step eight: Ask whatever God(s) you believe in to release you from your hangover prison.
At a certain point, the situation is out of your hands. You can only do so much to help yourself and will need intervention from a higher power. We’ll leave which higher power up to you.
So next time you overindulge, just remember the simple steps we provided you here so you can go on being an adult. Don’t let something insignificant like a hangover turn you into a giant weeping baby who can’t function on their own. Or do. We’re not your supervisors.
