How to Age Craft Beers

As beer continues to evolve and better mimic the wine industry, letting a strong brew sit and mature over time has become widely popular among beer geek circles. An impressive vertical (consecutive year vintages of the same beer) is as good a measure of dick* length than anything else we’ve come across.

“But how do I properly age beers without fucking them up, Sam?” That’s a great question. Tuck that dick* back in and let me school you on the proper aging process, then you can build up a nice vertical of your own and whip your schlong* out and marvel an astounded crowd.

Here’s your quick 10 step process for obtaining and aging a beautiful beer:

1. “First thing’s first, you not only need to get a high ABV beer, you need to get one you can be proud of. So, basically you need to acquire a beer that no one within a 1,000 mile radius can get. We’ll have future beer trade and Whalez posts for more information on this.
   
2. Once the beer is acquired and is sufficiently deemed as Whalez, promptly shake the ever-loving shit out of it. You need to stir up those yeasties so they continue to add good flavor and possibly ad more alcohol. It isn’t unheard of beer reaching ABV levels of 50% with the right prep. 
3. After that good shake, you want to let that bottle sit somewhere super hot and super dry. Like 120-150 degree to re-pasteurize it. You don’t want that shit souring up on you. The shake and heat will prep this bad motherfucker for a long stasis. 
4. Tenderly wrap that shit in protective bubble wrap.
   
   
5. Now that you have the beer and it’s protected, you need a place to store it. Your best bet is to dig a nice shallow hole.
   
   
6. Place beer in said hole.
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7. Now fill this hole up with cement, making sure to leave three to four inches of headroom for step 8.
   
   
8. Backfill the remaining space with dirt and plant the appropriate covering. Grass is the most common, but flowers or other plants are welcome as they divert attention from the new plot.
   
   
9. Mark this location on a physical map. You don’t want to get confused and forget where your precious prize is!
   
   
10. Hide that fucking map. Protect it at all costs. Your whip-out-your-dick* moment is at stake here. Don’t mess it up.
    

Boom there you go! Let this plan play out for a few years, getting the same beer each year and after a decade or so, use that glorious treasure map, dig up some of those well-prepped beauties and then invite your friends over for the biggest dick* measurement party they’ve ever witnessed. Drop their jaws at your dick*. Their eyes will bulge out. FaceTime Ron Jeremy and he’ll bow. You will be Dick* Supreme. You’re welcome.

*All references to pulling out a penis were entirely metaphorical and not intended to be taken seriously. We were talking about beers and the metaphor applies to all people of all genders because beer is for everybody. That said, do not pull your genitals out in public. This should be common sense, but, well, people are fucking stupid. Everything else is 100% accurate and should be taken as The Fucking Gospel.