I swung by Call to Arms one balmy June afternoon to escape the heat and, subsequently, turn the heat up on someone who might know something about a recent release: Old Old Wooden Ship. Upon my arrival, I shook hands and made strong eye contact with Jon, one of the owners and head brewer. My eye contact was strictly a power move in an attempt to cover up the fact that his beard was gorgeous and I still can’t grow one.
We sat down with a glass of the hazy beer juice and started with the niceties. At this point, Jon wasn’t Under Oath, so all of the correspondence is strictly hearsay, but we mostly discussed the pros and cons of barrel aging beers and how Old Old Wooden Ship is a pretty solid step forward in Call to Arms’ attempt to curate a house flavor of barrel based beers.
Jon may or may not have acknowledged it’s hard as hell to go into a project like this with a desired outcome since the variables in the yeast and barrels are pretty much left to their own devices. That said, the beer turned out great. I would have stuck around and drank them dry, but I respected their desire to let others in on the secret.
So it’s at this juncture that I will relay the section of the conversation where I lulled Jon into a false sense of comfort to get him to go Under Oath. Chris, the other owner, wasn’t available to talk on the record due to a super double top secret meeting. He mysteriously popped up right at picture time, though. He’s very photogenic.
The following is submitted to the BnL audience as Under Oath episode 001. Audio and transcription options available.
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Sam: Could you please state your name for the record?
Jon: Yep, my name is Jon Cross.
S: Excellent and can you state your location for the record?
J: We are at Call to Arms Brewing Company. [Mild conversational kerfuffle] I don’t know if you want an address or not…
S: No no, just the brewery is fine. A little bit of mystery is not a bad thing. Could you please state what your role within the company is?
J: Yeah absolutely, I’m the co-owner and head brewer.
S: Excellent, thank you. Now, we do use the term “under oath” very loosely around here, but do you, you know, more or less swear that you’ll tell something resembling a mildly truthful statement today?
J: I pinky promise.
S: That’s actually what I wrote in there but it autocorrected to Piney so pinky swear is what I was looking for. Thank you for getting into what I need to be actually doing there. All right good enough for me you’re now under oath on BnL. Now could you please State for the record what beer we are drinking today and briefly describe it.
J: Alright today we are trying beer called Old Old wooden ship and it is a port barrel aged sour Saison.
S: It is delicious, thank you. Do you know roughly what the alcohol percentage is?
J: The ABV is 6.1.
S: Can you recall the Hops that were used, if any?
J: Yeah actually we used a little bit of bittering hops that was sorachi-ace, and the bigger hop was the aroma addition in the whirlpool and that was the huell melon.
S: Excellent. Any glitter to speak of?
J: [Laughs just a little too loud] No Glitter this time.
S: For the record anything New England-ish about it?
J: I’m going to go ahead and say no. It does have some pleasant haze but…
S: It does have that juicy color.
J: Right, right, and in this case I guess a normal part of the process.
S: A happy accident. Any pastries used or harmed in the making of this beer?
J: No pastries and no cheeseburgers.
S: Not even ingested?
J: None. [laughs with uncertainty]
S: Alright, excellent. So if this beer was part of the Trump administration, how long do you you think it would last until getting fired or indicted?
J: Oh my god it’d be fired like day one.
S: [Laughs mechanically lacking any sincerity] No questions asked, just right out the gate?
J: No questions asked, yeah.
S: Alright. Now a team of this beer went up against the Golden State Warriors in the NBA finals this year, what do you think would have happened? Great series but a loss? Sweet, sweet victory? Oor visit to the choke factory like the Cleveland Cavaliers?
J: Hmmmmm. I mean it’s a pretty mean beer, I imagine a lot of penalties. Probably go to Game 7. But I think, I don’t know, I don’t know. It’s a tough question. I say it’d win.
S: That’s fair. Golden State’s Streak would [fart noise] be no more. Related to that, what would it’s pregame outfit look like?
J: Ohh remember those old tracksuits with the tearaway pants? That’s exactly what it’d wear.
S: I had some of those. They were comfy and convenient. [Drifts off into fond memory]
J: They were! We need to bring them back… [Also drifts off into fond memory]
S: Indeed. [Decides to fuck up] So uh, I don’t think we even mentioned the name, this is old old wooden ship, yes? For the record. We said that. Anyway, if Old Old Wooden ship was stuck in a canyon for five days with no exit really appearing to it, do you think it would drink itself?
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J: I absolutely think it would drink itself; but probably the whole time talking in the, oh, what was that guy’s name? Not Drew [Looks desperately for help, gets none] Harry Carey, you remember him?
S: Yes!
J: Yes that wonderful announcer. I just pictured having that voice. And ending up drinking itself.
S: That’s what this question is based on so that story checks out! That’s how I hear it too. What was the inspiration behind the name Old Old Wooden Ship?
J: Honestly, we mean, we love working with oak, we love working with barrel projects and it was a great base beer to put into oak in the first place and we were working at the time at getting a house culture established so this was a really good opportunity to play with some bugs and see if we got a blend that we were happy with.
S: Awesome. Excellent. Um, alright now these are going to be some more “thematic” questions in light of the name of the beer. Are you ready?
J: I’m ready. [Is not ready]
S: Alright. Now have you ever experienced a problem with the pleat in your pants while drinking some of Old Old wooden ship?
J: You know to be fair, I haven’t had enough Old Old Wooden Ship to know yet. [Laughs uncontrollably because clearly lying]
S: Ok, so that’s TBD on that one.
J: That’s TBD. I should probably start wearing so khakis.
S: [Laughs generously] I think they’d suit you. [Can’t get shit together] Do you think this beer would describe it’s musk as comparable to Sex Panther?
J: [Contemplates stoically] You know, it doesn’t really smell like gasoline, so I know it’s not made with real bits of panther…
S: That’s fair.
J: Um, so yeah I don’t know. It’s more like a nice Old spice.
S: [Barfs in mouth] Ahh so that’s how you’d describe its musk?
J: [Clearly notices barf in mouth, but powers onward] Yeah. Like the traditional old spice out of the little tan jar.
S: Ok, I can get on board with that. Now what segments would this beer contribute on if it was part of a news team?
J: Sports for sure.
S: Be right there with Champ? Do you think it would have a catchphrase?
J: Oh my god yes it absolutely would. What would be a good catchphrase for this beer? [Pauses] Knocked it out of the park!
[Hearty laughter all around]
S: Simple and to the point. Do you think this beer could defeat Ron burgundy in a weight lifting competition?
J: Hmm. That’s a tall order.
S: He did 1003 or 4.
J: I’ve seen him do a lot curls, so I don’t know. We might peak at 999.
S: Get almost there, but not quite reach the true peaks of glory.
J: Really, really close. Yeah. Nobody can beat Ron Burgundy.
S: Only Ron Burgundy beats Ron Burgundy from what I can tell.
J: Exactly right. It’s like Chuck Norris, you know? [Laughs and purposefully touches beard]
S: Exactly. His mustache is almost comparable to Chuck Norris’s beard. [Subconsciously touches nonexistent beard]
J: It’s a work of art. [Clearly judging Sam’s lack of beard]
S: Yes. Alright so this is the last question, the most important question of the day: Which I think we might have already answered, but do you think this beer could beat Ron Burgundy at reading the news?
J: [Contemplates deeply] I mean if it does…. It would need one hell of a sultry voice. It might with some practice, but again, as we said earlier, I don’t think you can beat Ron Burgundy. At reading the news, I mean god.
S: He’s the GOAT.
J: He’s an animal.
[Maniacal laughter all around]
S: Well thank you, Jon, for your statement on the record. I appreciate you joining us and contributing these obviously true, from my perspective, from what I can see and tell and hear, answers.
J: Well thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here.
