I stood in a room that was maybe 40 feet wide by 40 feet long. I know people who’ve lived in condos this exact size, but I was staring down a modern brewery with a respectable barrel program artfully pieced into the space instead of staring down a bunch of options for modern living. This was the brewhouse and barrel facility for Banded Oak Brewing Company.
I was chatting with the owner Will and head brewer Chris about all sorts of things like how their outdoor fermentation tanks hold temperature in extreme Colorado conditions, how much sweat Chris has expelled that brewday and even some boneheaded stuff Coors had recently done. We weren’t on the record yet and I was outnumbered two beards to one, so I tried not be controversial. I needed to bide my time until I was the one with the leverage.
The brewery tour was over, so Will and I went back around the corner of the brewery to the taproom where I set up my gear and we chatted a bit more about saisons and how easy drinking their house beer of that style is. I could feel it in my gut, now was the time to strike and put Will on the record. He poured us a couple of glasses of the beer we were about to discuss and I yanked my diesel recorder’s pull start until it slowly chugged to life. It was time to begin.
The following is submitted to the BnL audience as Under Oath episode 002. It has been edited for clarity, but the accompanying audio is unadulterated.
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Sam: Thank you for joining us today, could you please state your name for the record?
Will: My name is Will Curtin.
S: Thank you Will, and could you please state our current location?
W: We’re at 470 Broadway at banded Oak Brewing Company.
S: What is your current position within the Company?
W: I am the owner.
S: Thank you. Now the lawyer’s tell me the use of the term “under oath,” we use that very loosely here, but do pinky swear that you’ll tell something resembling a mildly truthful statement today?
W: Absolutely. I’ll do my best.
S: Good enough for me. Will, you are now Under Oath on BnL. Could you please state for the record what beer we are drinking today and briefly describe it?
W: Right now we’re doing our Crenshaw melon IPA. We have a house IPA that’s a simple kind of West Coast style two hop IPA. It’s got CTZ and Chinook hops. We’ve done this for a little bit, and about 2 years ago we tried the idea of putting melon or some sort of additive into the beer to spice it up or change it up a bit, so we tried some honeydews, we tried some cantaloupe, we tried a little bit of grapefruit – which has been kind of done a lot with IPAs – and then we ran across Crenshaw melon which is not a very well-known melon, but it’s got kind of a nice bitter taste to it that compliments the hoppiness, so it doesn’t overly sweeten the beer and that’s what we were going for.
S: Do you know roughly what the ABV is on it?
W: The ABV is 6.8.
S: What hops did you use for the hop profile? [Clearly wasn’t listening Will]
W: We did ctz and Chinook. We kind of changed a little bit of Chinook in that we used it as a dry hop, so it’s not typically where you see Chinook in a lot of different IPA recipes, so I like that hop a lot. It’s probably one of my favorites because it’s got a nice juiciness to it without too much complexity.
S: Speaking of juiciness, was there any New England-ish tendencies with this beer?
W: Absolutely not. We filter all of our beers for the clarity of the beer, and that nice crisp smoothness is something that we definitely try to go for as much as we can.
S: On the other end of the spectrum with some of the IPAs coming out, did you consider applying any “brut” force with this beer? Brut IPA.
W: Maybe. You know, with the style of banded Oak, we like to go on the side of traditional so we don’t really do a lot of those kind of bigger new england-style or any of those different “in” styles. This is just like I said a very classic simple two hop in IPA.
S: So other than the fact that the previous melons you tried didn’t have the flavor profile you liked, do you have any beef with watermelons and cantaloupes?
W: [Laughs] Not at all. Watermelons and cantaloupes are delicious. Good to eat with beer, but not to put in my beer I guess.
S: [Can’t contain laughter at seemingly hilarious question] How many melons end up being smashed with a hilariously huge mallet a la Gallagher?
W: [Courtesy laughs] Well, the first time when we did the mini samples we didn’t use a mallet, we actually used a French press and once we cut out all the melon chunks, we juiced it ourselves. Then like I said we did two or three beer batches that we drank ourselves or passed out to some of the customers that were at the bar at the time. But yeah we used, it’s not very scientific I have to check with Chris, about four mason jars full of juice that we kind of pureed and ourselves.
S: Nice.
W: Not exact I guess.
S: [Gets super duper serious] So now given that this melon, based on what I read, is considered a hybrid, is called the Cadillac of melons, and was procured from a farm with the word Ford in it, were you aware up front how many automobile references were possible with this beer?
W: [Doesn’t flinch] I had not, no. I got a lot of Crenshaw Boulevard references but that’s about the only kind of reference we get.
S: We’re not going to get any of those in my questions today. [Laughs boisterously with no idea what Crenshaw Boulevard is] We’re going to start with a few vehicle related questions because of this, and I’m from Michigan so we think about cars all the fucking time. Now if this beer were a car, what kind of car would it be? A utility vehicle, a family sedan, or some of the kind of car that men use to justify their age/penis size?
W: I don’t know if this would be a midlife crisis beer or not. I think a utility vehicle would be my guess. For me, my taste is so into my mood. So summertime, when Crenshaw’s are fresh, and I have like a big burger and an IPA that’s just kind of how I mentally compute that it’s summertime. I just think of summertime, get out in the middle of nowhere, the utility vehicle and having a steak or a burger and a nice IPA sounds perfect.
S: Good that leads into the next question pretty well then. Do you think it’ll make a good getaway car for a heist? [Starts making car revving noises]
W: I don’t know… A heist you got to go pretty fast, so if you can get to the dirt roads pretty quick it’ll do all right.
S: I mean you gotta go fast but you gotta be a precision driver too. I don’t know if you’ve seen Baby Driver, that’s a defacto now whenever I think of getaway of movies. [Continues car revving noises, increases RPMs]
W: Absolutely.
S: If you had to guess, what kind of heist do you think would lend it’s getaway skills to?
W: Lend it’s getaway skills to? I don’t know. I mean the precision driving or… [Contemplates] that’s a real open-ended question I have no idea. It’s just a really easy drinking beer so if you could get away from a heist in it easy well thought-out way that’d probably be in its bag, I guess.
S: So if it were a car still, do you think it could attain more legendary status than the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile?
W: [Unphased] Maybe. I don’t know, the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile is pretty bad ass, I’m not going to lie. For this I guess it’s kind of in the same vein as the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. It doesn’t really come around very often, but when you get to have our IPA in the summertime it’s just a nice to make the best of it and drink and enjoy it, then you kind of miss it when it’s gone.
S: Do you think it’d have a vanity plate or be rank-and-file like the rest of us losers?
W: Oooh. Vanity plate I guess. I don’t know, I’m not that not that quick thinking so I don’t know what it could be, but it’d be super clever.
S: It would be awesome and you’d laugh every time you saw it I’m assuming?
W: Yes.
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W: Yep.
S: Alright, if Crenshaw melon IPA was an NBA team do you think they could land LeBron in free agency?
W: I don’t know. You would have to sell a lot of lot of beer to afford that man for sure. Yeah I don’t know, I would say probably not just because…
S: [Makes direct and aggressive eye contact] Do you *want* to land LeBron in free agency?
W: [Again, unphased] I don’t know. Sure. Yeah I will definitely take him away from Cleveland and probably get beat up for that in the press.
S: Take the best for a little bit even if it’s the worst years of his life.
W: Take his talents. *editor’s note: at this point I thought I heard Will’s statement in the voice of one of the demons from ‘Evil Dead’ when it promised to eat Ash’s soul, but it just may have been the drugs kicking in.
S: Are you familiar with the animated TV show Archer?
W: Oh yeah absolutely.
S: OK, would Crenshaw melon IPA be the mole in the very first episode a la the dude Crenshaw?
W: Nice wow that’s a good reference. I thought you were going to ask me a phrasing question I was looking forward to that. Too easy
S: Low-hanging fruit. [rim shot misfires in the distance]
W: Yes, Crenshaw IPA would be the mole character. Something Incognito and kind of surprising, I guess.
S: It tastes like it’d want to infiltrate a spy agency to me. [80’s sitcom laughter erupts]
S: If Crenshaw melon IPA was a restaurant owner, do you think it would ask Sarah Huckabee Sanders to leave the establishment?
W: Oooh loaded question. I don’t know. Probably. I’d say very politely ask. Yeah it probably would.
S: I think a fair response would be to ask if Sarah Huckabee Sanders would enjoy this beer and then go from there. Put it on her.
W: [Agrees but his beard judges]
S: If Crenshaw melon IPA was a guest on carpool karaoke with James Corden, what song would it just totally Crush?
W: I don’t know, damn. That’s a thinker that’s for sure. Totally crush a song? What’s a good summer song?
S: That’s a good question. My tastes are little more like what you’re playing back in the brewery so a summer song to me is ‘Raining Blood’ but I don’t know if this is necessarily a song that Crenshaw Melon IPA would take on. [Senses conversation coming to a screeching halt]
S: Alright so the last third of this interview is going to take on more of the melon aspects, are you ready?
W: [More judgy beard] Yes.
S: Why do you think Crenshaw melon IPA would have a fancy wedding?
W: A fancy wedding… It will probably have like a mountain wedding just because it is in Rocky Ford at Hirakata Farms, so probably be fancy but tasteful.
S: And also because it cantaloupe. [Raises eyebrows and meekly smiles]
W: [Laughs as the stupidity sinks in] Oh that’s ridiculous.
S: Just wait there’s more.
W: [Laughs and looks around the room for help] Good. Good good.
S: If a pig ate the melons meant for this Crenshaw IPA, what would you have left?
W: Ooh, no idea.
S: Pork Rinds.
W: Alright
S: If this beer were a talk show host, what would its name be?
W: Talk show host… no idea
S: Melon DeGeneres. [High pitch giggle erupts from nowhere]
W: All right ridiculous. [Laughs and seems to be reaching under the counter for some sort of panic switch button]
S: And what would you call this beer if it broke the law?
W: Oh man maybe there’s like… I don’t know I’m trying to think of puns but I’m totally running a blank.
S: The Crenshaw Felon IPA [Smiles maniacally]
W: I thought you might do some kind of minor melon rhyme. [Still searching for panic switch under bar]
S: If I could have found a way to work misdemeanor in there that would have been pretty good but I had to look up all those except one, so full disclosure. Well that’s it, you made it through all the questions Will. I think that adequately answers all of them and thank you for going under oath today with BnL and the Crenshaw Melon IPA.
W: Yeah no worries this was a blast. [Relaxes panic button search and laughs in relief]
