It’s been a while since we posted anything useful on BnL, and for that, I apologize. We are the tastemakers and sherpas to all you craft beer ninjas or whatever the fuck is a cool twitter bio these days. Or are all the important people on InstaTits? Hard to say anymore.
I still like Twitter so I went there and asked a vague question regarding GABF pitfalls first0timers can make as “beer bloggers” are wont to do, and, surprisingly, I had a considerable amount of replies. So now I’m being socially pressured into writing what I promised: a GABF guide for all you noobs. Really, this is even a great refresher for multi-year repeat offenders like myself as a reminder that once you step into the Colorado Convention Center, adrenaline commands the neurons like Jesus taking the wheel in the deep South.
I always loved first timers to Denver hitting the samples hard not knowing what elevation will do to them.
— Matt (@thedudeabides81) September 7, 2018
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I believe in Matt and I believe in his statement. I did this the first year I went to GABF as a tourist from Michigan. I also did it last year as a fifth year Denver resident, so basically if you’re like me and don’t “learn” things, shit can go down poorly despite experience.
The point of this unbridled candidacy? DRINK FUCKING WATER AND BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS. The best way to do this is to arrive in SCUBA gear. The suit will hold in your moisture (pee) and feed you oxygen which will get you high AF but also complements all the citrusy hops of the 1 trillion NEIPAs you’ll see this year.
I love hitting that local spot called Taco Bell
— Brandon Krueger (@BrandonAKrueger) September 7, 2018
Ignore this man and this tweet. He’s a sociopath. One of my favorite sociopaths, but a sociopath nonetheless. You’re better off drinking all the pastry stouts and getting diabetes.
That you can spend the ticket price anywhere else in town and get a MUCH better deal and far more inebriated?
— David Pennington (@dtpennington) September 7, 2018
David has a point that I’ve wanted to scientifically research during two years I took off from GABF for personal reasons (weddings and syphilis). That said, if you’re going to come to Denver for GABF, this tweet clearly isn’t meant for you. The whole point is to stumble around with 13 thousand of your newly discovered best friends and shouting/laughing/barfing arm in arm while shouting at each other about your favorite beers from you own local region. Why fuck that up? I don’t know. Some people are weird.
Speaking of weird, if you want to take it to a weird place, you can start as early as you want during GABF week. Now, the super secret locals only tip here is to start hitting up the street dwellers around 6am or so for hits of their MD 20-20 or Fireball half pints. Nothing says “I’m going to go hard and make my fam proud” like drinking with our urban campers as soon as possible. Trust me, it’ll prime your palate for all those dope sours you’re about to skull.
Lines don’t always mean the best beers. To this day one of the best beers I ever had at a GABF was @UpstreamBrewing Grand Cru. Just walked right up to their booth.
— MikeLovesBeer (@MikeLovesBeer) September 7, 2018
With all due respect, Mike, you’re 100% incorrect. The whole point of this festival is queueing. You queue to get in, you queue for those hot white whalez beers, you queue for the bathroom, you queue to shake hands with people like Sam Calagione and Adam Avery and you queue for the chance to scream in some poor soul who dropped their cup’s face. For those of you who aren’t “in the know,” queueing is fancy eurospeak for “standing around in line.”
Now that I’ve gotten all that zazz out, my favorite moments are always when I decide to say “fuck it” and let autopilot take control and just going to whatever booth is open. Getting a good beer may be uncertain, but you know what is certain? A greater than 69% chance of talking to a volunteer that knows NOTHING about the beer they’re pouring.If you want to talk about beer, it’s a terrible gamble BUT, if you don’t give a fuck and want to pound beer shots, it’s pretty much a guaranteed win.
I nearly passed out coming up the steps from the beer stand at Red Rocks.
— DBO (@DeathByOrca) September 7, 2018
This isn’t really about GABF, but can apply to the first tweet from Matt. Get a goddamn SCUBA suit.
Now that I think about it, another tip to avoid this issue is to stay hydrated. I’ve found the best way to do this is to talk to everyone you can at the festival, find the biggest, loudest, most “passionate” beer nerd in the place and then tell them sours and hazy IPAs are fucking lame. Once they start to show tears in their eyes, lower the barbs in your lips, unhinge your jaw, let your eyes roll into the back of your head and latch those barbs onto their eye sockets to suck their tears directly into your essence. Boom. Hydration. Fuck water.
Oh! Tell them if they are hungry after (they will be) to go to the nearby Sam’s #3. EVERYONE ELSE will be there and they only ever seem to have two waiters and one cook on
— David Pennington (@dtpennington) September 7, 2018
David is back with another gem. Sam’s No. 3 has some awesome diner food. Go there. Tell them Sam Sly sent you and you’ll probably get VIP seating aka kicked out because I’m not allowed in there after demanding too many name-based discounts. You’re better off going and trying to face skim the gutters for second hand IPAs.
Don’t. Drop. Your. Glass.
— WestFax Brewing Co. (@WestFaxBrewing) September 7, 2018
My homies at WestFax have illuminated the true key to GABF. If you drop your glass, just leave it where it lies to quietly and humbly leave the premises. I mean, it’s a plastic fucking cup so if you can’t even hold onto that mutherfucker, you’re reaching levels of inconsistency that no one wants to fuck with.
You can’t hold your junk and/or sit properly to pee? You *have* to get into everyone else’s photos or videos? You gotta cry in the middle of the floor as a means to prove your point that you didn’t adhere to Matt’s first tweet or the upcoming tweet? Yeah, you’re probably a cup dropping spice-bomb loving basic schmuck.
Be careful double dipping, if you’re gonna go ham on beer then hold off indulging in other vices that are legal in Colorado. Saw an example of that go real wrong last year
— Andrew (@ahszmajda) September 7, 2018
Andrew speaks some truth I’ve seen myself. Mixing and matching is great for lingerie and Gummy Bears, but weed and beer make for a slightly more chemically complicated relationship. Just pick one or the other and adjust accordingly. Unless you’re one of those giant volume vape/dab/hash motherfuckers from YouTube: then you can just find the closest short pier and take a long fucking walk off it. In case I’m not clear enough, fuck off and die, YouTube vape douches. For the rest of you, pick your poison and commit, loser. Dank IPAs are what you want, not dank vape oils. That festival is on April 20.
Post fest Uber surge pricing. You just have to wait it out. And drink mo.
— Carrie Simison (@CarrieSimison) September 7, 2018
I’m getting pretty lit right now and read that as Ubersausage pricing (a rad restaurant across from my apartment), but Carrie is a GABF veteran I know and trust. This is accurate. Now we have a fuckton of Lime scooters around the city for you to use instead. Pop on one of those and go charging around the sidewalks like a retarded bat coming out of hell. Then when shit inevitably goes sideways/upside down you can sue Lime and make those pieces of shit disappear forever. Also, yes, drink more after doing beer shots for 300 consecutive minutes*.
Bring pretzel / jerky / cheese necklaces. Do NOT try to drink everything. Develop a strategy for what you want to try, otherwise you’ll die.
— Gary Stebbins (@GKStebbins) September 8, 2018
I don’t know Gary personally, and I don’t know if I support his theory. How does one reach greatness if one doesn’t reach for the stars first? Try to drink everything. Yeah, have a strategy: the “drink everything” strategy. You just paid 95(?) dollars for that ticket so you better milk it for every last penny you spent*. Be sure to hassle every single booth for more beer after the session ends. Every single person there will tell you it’s over, but that’s just a ploy created by the fake media and special interest groups to oppress the common folk and appease the Germans because their beer styles are criminally underrepresented at the festival.
The other 1% are sitting there drinking and laughing while bathing in tubs of BA stouts and barleywines. Don’t let them fucking win.
There you have it. Some common pitfalls for GABF rookies and veterans alike. Don’t fall into a pitfall this fall. Be the best you can be: drunk AF.
*Beer n’ Loathing hopes you’re not a big enough imbecile to think these are real tips.
Except for the scuba suit. Definetly, certainly do that if you hail from anywhere lower (in elevation or otherwise) than Denver.